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Printed for the King of England by design2d Medievel
Prosaic Mosaic
1101AD Contents Prologue Part
the 1 Part
the 2 Part
the 3 Part
the 4 Part
the 5 Part
the 6 Part
the 7 A funny thing happened on the way to the station. Did I happen to mention? In olden days now; in hessian garb with a slither of turnip hanging from my tooth... "What tale is this that this boy recounts?" you say? Fair Lauriana of Penge my thoughts these are and sent upon Cupid’s arrow they are. I sat one summer eve beneath your balcony playing a madrigal upon mine lute and through your eyes you tossed rose petals into my visage. This was but the sweetness of your gaze for to my surprise you then said, "I didn't say you could come round today!" I smiled like some foolish court jester and retorted with blubbering excuse and blushes. "Oh THAT today!" "Fool!" you spat and you spat and set a cat upon my hapless bodkin. But then a wry smile crossed your gib and you didst say. "On second thoughts, come here boy, methinks I'll have my way with thee today...after all waste not want not!" But all this was just a vision of a future I dreamed yet to be… A funny thing happened on the way to the station. Did I happen to mention? My mind was preoccupied with curious endeavours, erratic weathers, the price of bread...all this in my head and of course the memory of you, there on the platform as I sat nearby on a bench In olden days now; in hessian garb with a slither of turnip hanging from my tooth... "What tale is this that this boy recounts?" you say? "What fickle tale? What hapless sojourn?" "Tis gibberish and gobbledegook!" Fair Lauriana of Penge my thoughts these are and sent upon Cupid’s arrow they are. I sat one summer eve beneath your balcony playing a madrigal upon mine lute and through your eyes you tossed rose petals into my visage. This was but the sweetness of your gaze for to my surprise you then said, "I didn't say you could come round today!" I smiled like some foolish court jester and retorted with blubbering excuse and blushes. "Oh THAT today!" In hurried search of a suitable reason I didst continue. "I thought it was Yester morrow, no last Thursday week, or quarter past fifty!" "Fool!" you spat and you spat and set a cat upon my hapless bodkin. "Geddim cat!" you screeched holding said moggy by scruff of neck all claw and rasping spiky tooth... But then a wry smile crossed your gib and you didst say. "On second thoughts, come here boy, methinks I'll have my way with thee today...after all waste not want not!" Nay. Later, down at the Town’s Taverns however all and sundry might one day gather to hear recounted before fireplace with flagon of beer the tales of us together. Like some romance of exotic princes and princesses these stories might entertain and astound. Beyond our station they be. Standing out like they do against they drab black heaviness of all life like a rare flicker of star and moon light on mill water. On a par with tales of the Gods themselves as at play in ancient gardens of Arcadia. We lived free in this landscape of our flesh. We swam depths together in the languid pools of our reflections. But all this was just a vision of a future I dreamed yet to be… Part the 1 Alone naked and weak I wandered through hallucination and sickness, driven on only by the desire to see her and express my unending love... In my made-up past she had used me then laughed mercilessly as I was tossed to the dogs, fed to the pigs and hung out for the starlings to peck... "What is this with which mine eyes attempt to deceive me with now?" I stood gazing through painful half shut eyes into a blazing hot sun filled landscape. "It appears to be the chariot of mine hearts desire.... "What place am I now in?" I cried, whereupon I espied a tottering old fellow with a bottle tightly clasped in his wrinkly brown hand. Reeking of the spirit he was, kneeled upon the ground feeding he with his bare hands of vomit fallen recently upon the publics floor. "My good fellow, prithee tell me what carbuncle on the ass of civilisation is this?" "Ey!?" he asked as a quzzical expression beset his furrowed brow. "Where am I?" I asked. "Norwood mate, you want some grub?" he offered I the young Pedruccio some pedestrian botulism from the surrounding filthy pavement. "No....no...But thank you kindly fellow." I ran away light of foot and feeling most loose of stomach. Then I approached an establishment that I did enter, a seller of spit roast meats. Inside I found a man named Ahmed who worked many hours through lightness and darkness with many brothers, also called Ahmed in a grim and greasy establishment. They looked at me as I strode up to their counter as many did through day and night. "Be not afraid fellows of fearing eyes, I am not some wielder of trouble for you or the law. I instead am on a mission most personal, for I seek the Lady Lauriana of Penge." They knew not where she might be, being uninterested in a vegetarian such as she. I was still none the wiser until one recalled a night when she enquired if they might roast a thousand prawns for her upon their spit. But she had left disappointed and of empty hand, being... "..a crazy artist making such a demand!" That is she," I said "that is she!" "No you are most kind," I smiled edging backwards now towards the door, and fled this most relentlessly industrious rotisserie of the moor. Up the hill I went, towards the railway bridge where a couple of young scallywags with cans of lurid spray colour busily emblazoned a wall with one layer after another. Upon my introduction to themselves one shouted, "scarper it's a rozzer!" "No I am not the law but I am poor, lost and tired." "You ain't the law?" "Hardly, I am a poet, an artist, a dweeb and a klutz." Whereupon they punched me to the ground and kicked me in the nuts. Then as suddenly as they had turned on me they fled, I in turn held my aching head.
The Goat Once again I pulled myself up then dusted myself down. As the sun was falling and in the distance I now heard a calling. As I approached I did perceive a boisterous crowd in a busy tavern called the Goat, ‘surely I will find direction there I thought.’ Hoorah! For I found three pennies in my coat! With renewed confidence I walked into this dangerous smoke filled, beer-swilling cavern of a tavern. “Gadzooks!” I thought t’is a dive and glancing at the locals I thought of retreating whilst yet alive. "No! My mission is one of urgency and of love.” Whilst of course praying most hard for bodily protection from kindly deities somewhere up above. "Bar-keep!" I did shout, whereupon I received a clout, from a nearby comely wench sat upon a bench, "buy us a drink handsome!" She screeched like a hideous raven in this horrible haven, "I'll make it worth your while," she then said, revealing most undesirably a gaping toothless slovenly smile... What occurred next is lost to me as I was given a plethora of beer, wine and spirits I believe. I did lose track of time until I became aware the sun outside though a small filthy window had commenced to rise. I had been in this Bar of the Goat all night in search of the information as to the whereabouts of my beloved. My body and mind corrupted by such a sensual assault. How many times I had wished this depravity to halt. Lauriana would I am sure understand my sacrifice, some of what I did in there she might even find nice....No! what am I thinking, she is sweet I am stinking, her thoughts are pure, those in the Goat like manure! Bare of foot but full of heart I look up once again into a stark blue sky where vultures fly awaiting my fall. I hear it in their call. They'll not pick my carrion on this morrow I screech holding clenched fist up aloft. "No bird'll savour my giblets today by Zeus!" "My flesh is for her alone, be gone foul foul!" I wave my fists. Whereupon the hideous creatures beat their dusty and bloodstained wings to find easy pickings elsewhere... I continued along the road. Observed I was by a lowly toad. “Your hump is like my load lowly toad!…except my load is love not a bubble!” No answer. It was morning and people were making their way to market. My frightful adventure had but left me a sad and bedraggled sight. I could tell by the fright with which the eyes of passers-by would alight. The children screamed and the women wept perhaps at my clothes and hair all unkempt. I prayed for the night and the darkness she brings, as effortlessly and serenely as the nightingale sings. For it was there that I might pass silently and secretly as a shadow. Like some stealthy wild creature out hunting it’s prey. Mine was that most precious quarry, the Lady Lauriana of Penge. But of course she was not prey but a prize, for no cannibal was I. The delirium of exhaustion and the energy of obsession were it seemed my only companions on this journey. Heat and hunger were like snapping hounds at my sore feet…
Tavern of Free Masons
Whereupon I came to a place like which I had never known before. A vast green door to a vast green fortress now stood before me, the Tavern of Free Masons, happy men with chisels, hewing stone. Inside the air filled with dusty and the sweat of labour, it was indeed a sight to savour. "How refreshing, prithee chaps," I called. "I spent an awful night not far from here which left me appalled. What glee I now feel about that which I see I am sure you will be able to help me!" Silence fell about. What had I done, what had I said? What thoughts were now in their workman's heads? One howled. "Here's a new young lad!" gesturing at me wildly Another chortled, "We'll make him a slave!" " He's a little rough, we'll give him a bath!" piped another. "Aye and a scrub!" Cheering began. "No..." I bleated as once again, I fled hot footed down the road to Penge.... With madmen and their tools in hot pursuit... Encumbered as they were they could not catch me. Saved my life was by this mere morsel of luck. And soon they gave up the truck. Panting hard and dizzy with the pace of the chase, I found myself leaning against a great wall to a whole strange new place. Mitsubishi Castle. Guarded by a thousand metal fire breathing dragons who slumber as they await their masters orders and are released through the great gates. The people of the village live in fear lest they should hear the stampede of these beasts...and have to dive into the undergrowth for cover! I walked as quietly as I could through this fantastical place. Still perturbed by my run in with the Masons and in no need whatsoever of any further pursuit or energetic activity, every footstep through this vast courtyard was measured...as soft as a leafs gentle fall upon the ground....tinged with nervousness, not a sound. Although I was beset by fear at possibly facing a further terrifying ordeal yet my mind wandered in a dream away from this my immediate surroundings.. "My love, my heart," I thought, "Lauriana who's eyes in my mind create a view as wide as the oceans in which my heart was alive and free. A place in which the two of us live so deeply enraptured by each other alone..." In exhaustion I slumped to my knees on the floor beneath a Yew tree... I was at once asleep and walking with Lauriana...holding her hand and relishing the sight of her smile. Part the 2 Under the Bridge of the Thunder Worm I Pedruccio El Dweeb did awake with a start from the exhausted slumber I had all but been engulfed in following my Norwood ordeals. What awoke me was a sound the likes of which I ne'er had heard in all my days. A most frightening thunderous series of explosions did batter mine ears. It could only be the Thunder Worm! I remembered how children cowered listening to the stories of the giant worms that took the workers to the idea mines in the city, their noise and speed shaking the land upon which they hurtled. The sound was mimicked perfectly by the old storytellers around the campfire..... I had never seen or heard one until now. It was instantly recognizable. There upon the bridge was a flash of colour, an explosion of sound and it was gone. I then remembered where I was. Amongst the slumbering dragons. Once again I felt the weight of fear. Once again I felt the flood of love that impelled me upon my mission. Brushing down my simple tunic I stood up swiftly, proud and erect. As I did I hit my head harshly on a bough of the Yew tree beneath which I had slept. I crashed back to the ground, howling and clutching my sore cerebellum. I was further shocked when I realised I was hearing laughter. Impish, high pitched, hysterical laughter. Sat upon a toadstool was a talking cat. "I am glad I amuse thee cruel feline!" "That thee dee boy that thee dee!" "Who are you scruffy moggy, that you take such glee in mockery of me?" "I am Cattita." "Well Cattita, perhaps you may at least be of some service to me." "What is it you require?" "Simply direction. I search for the castle of Lady Lauriana Laurita of Penge." "Oh, very beautiful I have heard of she," Cattita replied. "Yes." "Wise and gentle though at times a bit mean and harsh," the cat continued. "Be silent scruffy cat, I'll have no besmirching of my love by a cruel moggy." "Oh a touchy one aren't we, perhaps I'll be on my way and with me I’ll take my knowledge of her whereabouts." "You mean you know where she is," I said immediately changing my tone at the cat's revelation. "Of course I do. I am a wise cat! Well heeled as well to boot. Born in the foothills of the Pyrenees I have travelled the world by land and the seas I was impressed. "You are indeed a magical cat Cattita. I am Pedruccio El Dweeb and I would ask you most modestly that you help me on my quest to find the Lady Lauriana Laurita." "Ok boy, follow me." Cattita sprang from the toadstool and onto a path past the slumbering dragons. I followed. We soon came to a wide path lined with trees that led to a hill. The day was bright, the clouds overhead carried by Zephyrs breath, and finally I seemed to be nearing my quarry. "Where are we cat?" I asked.
The Toll "We are approaching the borders of Penge Dweeb. Do you have coins to pay the toll?" "No. My monies were spent in the Tavern of the Unholy Goat." "Oh my poor, dear boy. You'll have to joust to get past the gate," Cattita said in a concerned way that did bring a furrow worry to the cat’s brow. I was once more rendered anxious by events. "But I am a poet and troubadour, not a fighter." I said somewhat meekly. "The challenge set is rarely a fight." Cattita said. "Look ahead." I looked. There in the distance a man was sitting some 30 feet in the air on a column made of chairs. Below, children were throwing fruit at him. A huge ogre of a man stood nearby bellowing with laughter. As Cattita and I drew closer there did happen an almighty crash as the flimsy wooden structure crashed to the ground amidst howls of laughter. The man who had been sitting on the chairs was in a sorry state. Some guards helped him to his feet, but he knew not where he was, so dizzied he was by the hard impact of the calamitous crash. "Cattita was that a challenge?" I asked with trepidation. "Oh yes," Cattita replied, "and one of the easier ones I have seen!" I felt as though a cloud of doubt inside my head had obscured the sunlight of hope as I approached the tollgate. There Cattita and I now stood in the short queue of vagabonds, tailors, sailors, traders and wanderers awaiting entrance to the town of Penge. "Hello," I timidly said as it came to my turn at the gate. Cattita sat at my feet, I sensed the cat almost sniggering at the prospect of being entertained by the plight in store for me. "Three sprocks," boomed the keeper. "I have no sprocks, I even have no socks, could you take kindly and let me pass, I could return and pay thee when I perchance have gained some employ. You see I am a poet and a troubadour." There was a pause before this obese behemoth of a creature replied. "Ha what luck we have another one who cannot pay and this one claims to play with words and music! Don't tell me a lyre or is it liar, a man of words are thee well listen to these. See this scribed board above my gate painted not by love or hate, simply fact of measure and fact of worth in crimson ink upon its berth. Three sprocks it says nothing more, if thee doth wish to enter my door or take the challenge and face the fate. She'll choose if you get through my gate!" Cattita started to laugh again. "Stoppit cat this is not funny." I watched as a group of excited children gathered round and the Gatekeeper pulled a strange contraption from a sack. He placed what looked like a bowl hanging from a triangular frame on strings onto a table. The bowl had indents and small words written onto it. He then bellowed, "A bead in the bowl as it spins, some they loses this game and some they wins!" The children started to cheer and laugh. I shuffled uneasily looking at Cattita who sat and watched intensely as the lumbering giants fat hand dropped the bead into the bowl, his other hand then spun the bowl. The bead bounced around, the crowd fell silent until finally it stopped. The Gatekeeper peered into the bowl. He then laughed out loud once more as he read my challenge. "For some there's hope, but not on a rope! Fetch the rope!" Some children scurried off... "By Beelzebub’s bodkins they're going to hang me Cattita, shall I run?" "No Dweeb, where would you go, you must get through the gate if you ever want to see Lauriana. You must take the challenge!" Chapter the 3 I sighed deeply in resignation as a crowd now gathered. There were mutterings of excitement that it was rare for there to be two challenges set in a day. The Gatekeeper drank from a huge cask of wine as he watched the scene for the challenge being set. The deep red liquid oozed from his lips as he gulped hungrily, soaking his already stained hessian shirt and gigantic leather coat. I saw Cattita was also somewhat appalled at the spectacle of the boozing Gatekeeper. I was now possibly facing death and found myself reflecting upon a talking cat's obvious disgust at the ill mannered drinking habits of an obese Gatekeeper. I felt overwhelmed by the hopelessness of my mission to find Lauriana.
"Get a hold of thyself Pedruccio, the Gods may for once look kindly upon thee," I whispered to myself. "Whisper more quietly Dweeb!" chirped Cattita. "Quiet cat." "Here they come Dweeb!" Sure enough the Gatekeeper approached me and hushed the crowd to silence. "A challenge set for a wayfarer must be met or there'll be no passage for him to Penge before this sunset!" Two strong men carried two large sacks. They dropped them heavily to the ground, and then opened them. From one was pulled a very long heavy rope, from the other a large iron hook, the size of a boats anchor. "What madness is this?" I asked, "What folly of Jove have thee vested in mine future." "Silence vagabond," growled the Gatekeeper, "tis your challenge no less, now listen carefully lest ye end in a true mess." "Over there ye see a pond?" "Yes," I replied somewhat timidly. Sure enough by the edge of the footpath there stood a small pond. "Tis the home of Agnor and her children." "What?" "The largest Catfish in all the world and you my friend must catch one if you wish to pass this day!" "But what do I use as bait?" I asked. Silence fell about my words like darkness at the end of day. Then it dawned on me. I was to be the bait. The crowd was falling about with laughter. Cattita sat wide-eyed and open-mouthed, looking at me then the water. The strong men tied the hook to one end of the rope, the other end they wrapped around a nearby oak tree. They took off my tunic and standing in just my shirt I was given the hook. "See that small island?" boomed the Gatekeeper, "swim over to it, tis where the Catfish live!" The iron hook was freezing cold and I did wear a body of goosey pimples in but no time. It was also very heavy attached as it was to a pile of thick sturdy rope, I could barely carry it. So unused were my arms to such hard physical work having only ever played the lyre and scribed with ink on parchment. In my minds eye I saw the image of Lauriana Laurita and could hear her saying, "Catch the fish Dweeb!" Up to my knees in the viridian pool I felt sludge and pebble between my toes. Egged on by cheers and laughter I looked ahead at the small island. Too quickly the freezing water was up to my neck yet still I continued on, barely able to stay afloat with the weight of the hook and rope, I started to nervously paddle across to the small island. I could see a heron eyeing me with surprise for I was a pathetic sight bobbing up and down, spitting water. My breathing grew heavy, my splashes caused water to enter my mouth, twas a foul muddy taste. My skin brushed past lily leaves. On another day I might have relished the beauty of their sweet flower and form. Today alas my mind and heart were in far too much shock for botanical musings. Then I felt something brush my leg. Very large, smooth and fast. "No!" I exclaimed. I tried to turn around to head back to shore, but it was too late. I was pulled down into the pond by a monster! I fainted. The Cave With a start I did awake on cold ground by an obsidian lake. How much time had passed whilst in sleeps arms I lay I knew not. In a strange dark place lit by naked flame I did exclaim, "What place have I landed upon; is this heaven or is this hell?" Touching my face and hands arms legs and feet, relief I felt at feeling unhurt and complete. T'was a cave in which I now sat and from the clutches of the monster in the water it would seem I was saved. The cave was cool and quite still. I stood for a moment and then headed along a simple path towards a gap I espied in the rock. A crevice revealing light, perhaps an answer to my plight. One thought alone guided me in this dark fortress of stone. Of Laura Laurita Lauriana. It clothed me in warmth now in my pitiful cold nakedness. It was my friend and guide in the lonely wilderness of my journey thus far, for she was my reason to be. In the blackness she helps me see I thought. My momentary wave of new optimism was cut short as I slipped on a wet area of rock and came tumbling down. "Ouch, fool that I am to not concentrate on my bearings!" "Aaaah. Where am I, how did you find me how do we get out?" I asked the cat. "No..." I whispered. And not another word was said. Till from that dark lair I was led by Cattita the talking cat. My thanks I gave in the form of a pat. "Steady on Dweeb we must now escape through yonder field, around the gate. The Gatekeeper and rowdy mob, still they think that to the bottom of the pond you did sink!" On we crept most stealthily... Chapter the 4
So Cattita & I found ourselves thankfully enjoying a moment of peace in the refuge that was a tavern we had stolen away into after a chase through Penge Market Square. I found some leftovers on a nearby table and we ate and drank the humble morsels, at least they quelled in part the beast that lurked in my belly. The crowd was a mixture of Traders, lost souls, travellers, revellers, brigands, pirates, whores and monks. It was a boisterous, jovial noisy crowd that swelled as a tide in the dark wood beamed room. A man now approached Cattita and myself. "Hello lad, where are you travelling?" I was taken by surprise. He was a large man, with a head of curly blonde hair wearing a suit of quite fine clothes. "Penge," I answered somewhat nervously. "But ye are in Penge," he answered somewhat bemused and curling a smile as he eyed my bare feet. "Do you need work?" he asked. "Yes he does," Cattita, answered, "we have no money for food or lodging." "You may come and do some work for me," he continued. "Stand up." I looked at Cattita, who just smiled, and then back at the man, trying to remain calm as I bashfully stood up. He prodded my arms and looked at the palms of my hands. "You should be fine." "What exactly do you need me to do?"
Willliam Beckenham "I am sorry I have not introduced myself. I am William Beckenham, Playwright and Entertainer Extraordinaire. Who are you lad?" "Pedruccio El Dweeb, poet, painter, troubadour and..." "Yes, well I need you for another skill, you see you are exactly the height and build I need for my play." "Play?" "Marvellous," interrupted Cattita, "I love a bit of drama." "Quiet cat," I said. "I have written a play to be performed for the Duke of Dukesbury who is visiting his daughter in Penge. It is to be performed for a select audience on Friday evening." I gulped, "for....?" "For the birthday of Laura Lauriana Laurita ....!" he continued. I was utterly flabbergasted for this was most unexpected. "Fortune favours fools after all," Cattita said. "Quiet cat, yes Mr Beckenham I will be in your play for most verily I say unto thee my feet will gladly tread the boards of thine stage for the entertainment of she!" "Good Dweeb, then be in the old barn for rehearsal tomorrow morning. You'll find it easily enough, now take these coins for food and some lodging and get yourself some shoes. I must be on my way now." He left, and I sat back down. " Förmögenhet!" chortled Cattita. "What," I said. "Swedish dear boy." "Who?" "Never mind. I suggest we find lodgings for the night." "Here?" "No, this place will fill with roughnecks come nightfall. Down by the canal I seem to recall some friendly establishments." We departed onto the street. I scanned for guards, but all was clear. Cattita headed off down a track towards the canal and I followed. We stopped on the way only to buy some simple leather shoes from a passing leather dealer. How luxurious they felt! Part the 5 Down By Penge Canal
The lane to the canal was bedecked with buttercups and violets. A sweet scent filled the air. Cattita was happy, I was happy. This all too brief peaceful moment in our journey was all too rudely disrupted when I did hear a scream from a nearby field. Cattita's ears pricked up. "What in Merlin's magick is that Cattita?" "I don't know boy, let me see," Cattita replied, springing onto the lower branch of a nearby tree to gain a view over the shrubs and bushes that separated us from whence the cry came. "What do you see cat?" "Its a damsel in distress. Alfred's cakes she's being chased by a Troll!" "Can we help?" "Tis an angry Troll, have you fought one before?" "No." Cattita looked down disparagingly at me from the tree and sighed. "Dweeb, thy name is truly Dweeb." Again the damsel screamed and so I readied myself for action. "What do we do Cattita, how do we fight a Troll?" "Steady thyself boy. Firstly you have never fought a Troll before, and secondly we know not what has transpired. Perhaps this woman has done the Troll wrong. After all they are fairly private creatures who usually keep themselves to themselves." "Stop this lunacy cat, there is a Damsel in dire distress we should act toute vitesse!" "OK Dweeb, you should be able to crawl through that raspberry bush." I scurried through the thick bush until I emerged upon a large open field. Then running towards me I saw a pretty Damsel. She did seem to be calling up to the sky and clouds and the Gods themselves for help. Then behind her some 40 steps was an elderly Troll in the typical heavy black cloth robes of the Troll fraternity waving a stick and shouting expletives after the damsel. The Damsel saw me and immediately ran towards where I stood. "Careful Dweeb," said Cattita who now joined me. "Help me good sir!" exclaimed the Damsel as she all but flung herself at my feet. I really wasn't sure what to do so put my hands on her shoulder to comfort her as she looked behind to see the Troll catching up. "Protect me from that monster!" she yelled. She was trembling and breathing heavily, on account of the frantic panic the chase had brought about in her. The Troll also puffing and panting arrived where we all were. The Damsel curled herself behind me clutching my thigh tightly. I was quite scared for I knew not what might ensue.
The Diamond "Give me back my diamond!" shouted the Troll at the Damsel. "No, I found it," retorted the Damsel. "You did not, you picked it off my Diamond Bush without so much as asking for it!" "I didn't see your name on it!" "Trolls own all diamonds!" The two of them proceeded to squabble in quite fierce words entirely ignoring the presence of Cattita and myself. Cattita started to lick a paw almost in boredom. It was all quite absurd and so I attempted to interject. "Please, can we not settle this, like....people and Trolls?" the point came out awkwardly. They stopped. "And who or what are you?" bawled the Troll. "I am Pedruccio El Dweeb, poet, painter, troubadour, on a mission of love to win the heart of Laura Lauriana Laurita of Penge."
There was a pause as the two for a moment forgot their own business. "That's so beautiful," gushed the Damsel. "Yes, it is rather isn't it...?" added the Troll. He lowered the stick he had been waving threateningly at the Damsel. I wasn't sure what to say for I was surprised their fight showed signs of abating. Cattita was fascinated by the proceedings. "Take this diamond Dweeb and give it to your love," the Damsel said as she handed me the most fantastic jewel I had ever seen. "But it belongs to the Troll," I said. I looked at the Troll and was amazed to see he had tears streaming from his eyes. "Take it Dweeb, make a ring from it for your wife!" he said. Cattita could barely hold back from an outburst hysterical laughter I could tell, so many times it happened now already during our journey together. My stares soon put a stop to that. "Mr Troll, Miss Damsel...I am so happy you have not come to blows. This is a wondrous gift, I thank you....I must go now. Come on Cattita." "OK Dweeb,” chirped Cattita. We headed back to the bushes that lined the path to the canal. "Good luck Dweeb," said the Damsel as we parted. So we left the Troll and the Damsel in quite a different mood to that which they were in when we first met them. As we headed onto the path I looked once more at the diamond. It was truly fantastic, a million facets reflecting a million beams of light. It felt cool and perfect in my hand. I placed it carefully into a small pocket in my trousers. "So it did pay after all to help a Damsel in distress Dweeb?" "Yes Cattita, I think it did!" Part 6
"No. Because I introduced the Art of singing to cats in Portugal and made the Duke a famous man." My eyes once more felt heavy as I smelt the cotton, hessian and hay stuffed pillows I rested on. The Dream
The Maze I was stunned. Somehow my quest was achieved. My journey finally had been made complete. The person who now stood before me was Laura Lauriana Laurita. I stared dumbly unable to take my eyes off her so shocked was I. She wore a long heavy dark green velvet robe, encrusted with emeralds, sapphires, rubies and pearls. Her Grenadine hair drooped gently over one eye and her eyes blazed blue like corals beneath a sun drenched sky. Her arms crossed in a stance of impatience. "Well, what are you doing here?" she asked once again, "are you mute?" Then Cattita stepped from behind me. Lauriana’s fixed and angry stare turned to a wide smile as he saw the cat. I was dumbstruck, still in shock. "Cattita!" she exclaimed. "I was wondering what had happened to you." "Were you?" Cattita replied in a somewhat dry manner. "You barely pay me any attention of late." "Oh that is not true. I adore you Cattita, you know that?" "Hah, you are a fickle child in matters of love and adoration," Cattita replied. Lauriana scowled. "That's not true and I'll hear no more of it. Anyway who is this scruffy boy you have brought with you?" "I didn't know you knew each other?" I said to Cattita. Cattita looked up at me. "Later Dweeb, for now introduce yourself." "Yes," I uttered somewhat nervously, "I am Pedruccio El Dweeb, poet, painter and troubadour...and I have come to Penge...to...to.." Lauriana then interrupted. "Oh please, I'm bored with this. Guards!" she screeched. From nowhere two gigantic guards appeared. "Throw him in the maze!" "What?" I uttered. "Watch yourself Dweeb, you'll need all your senses..." Cattita said to me. I was picked up like a twig and carried rapidly to the maze entrance at the centre of the large courtyard. "But, no, wait!" I cried to no avail, my protestations were in vain. The guards were immensely strong. They flung me into the maze where I fell against the dense hedge wall. I brushed myself down as I stood up, then was amazed to see that the entrance through which I had been thrown was now a wall. It had disappeared and all around me was the maze, high above my head only sky. The hedgerows were 14 or 15 footsteps in height and extremely dense. There was no way to see let alone squeeze through, so I started to walk. "What have I done to deserve this?" I wailed. "No sooner do I find the object of my desire than I am thrown into a giant puzzle, a jail!" I could hear nothing of the people in the castle around the maze. It was as though it was not there. "Why am I in here? What have I done?" I shouted, hoping someone might hear and reply to give me bearings. Alas my plight was set and an air of doom once again overcame me. I walked along the path, one leading to another and all looking exactly identical. Right, then left. I was already getting dizzy, tired and fatigued for this was all simply impossible. The maze seemed vast. How could it fit in the courtyard I had stood in but a few moments before I wondered. Then Cattita's final words to me echoed in my mind, ' you will need all your senses.' What did that mean? Surely one needs only eyes to go through a maze, or touch...? Taste? Smell? "What do you mean cat?" I asked out loud. I looked down at the dusty track. How many feet had paced along this path I thought? I came to a stop having turned yet another corner that led nowhere. "Of course," I said. "I must use my senses in a different way. See what I hear, smell, what I see, taste what I feel. There has to be a clue!" So I smelt the hedge. Nothing. I bent closer to hear through it. Again nothing. Then I bit it! "Owwww bellowed an enormous voice!" It was the hedge itself speaking. It was truly alive! "Begone for you have succeeded in escaping me!" The hedge walls curled as easily as the tide receding, revealing a path that led back to the courtyard. I walked briskly along it checking behind me to make sure this was not some further sort of trap. I was free! As I re-emerged in the courtyard the hedge walls restored themselves and the maze stood tall and impenetrable once more. So it was the maze was able to change it's walls and appearance and make it seem as though I walked on miles and miles along different paths within it. Exhausted I could see the courtyard was empty. Ahead, a spiral staircase led up to a balcony, I headed towards it. Roses of all colours grew in the flower beds around me,they filled the air with an overwhelming perfume. I looked up at the balcony where there was an open doorway. What should I do I wondered? "Where is Cattita? How I need to talk to that wise cat now?" I said quietly to myself. "You don't need a cat." I jumped. "Who said that?" "I did." It was a Passion flower that spoke to me. "A talking flower?" "Of course. Do you think flowers sit around all day doing nothing?" I was dumbstruck. "This is craziness. I must be exhausted and suffering delusion." I said. "You look well to us," said a Fuschia. "Not bad at all," added a Dahlia. "What a charming fellow indeed," said a Marigold. Soon the whole garden was alive with chattering as all the flowers, all shapes and colours spoke. It was all realy quite noisy. I realised the commotion might cause my presence to be known so began to edge further towards the spiral stairway. There on the bottom step sat Cattita. "I see you escaped the maze Dweeb." "Yes, thank you Cattita, where is Lauriana now?" "Why on Earth would you want to know that, do you not recall what happened the last time you met?" "I was a fool, taken by surprise. She knows not of the love in my heart, my desire to marry her. I still have the diamond given to me by the Damsel and the Troll." "No boy. To win this prize you'll need more than reckless foolhardiness will and a trinket." "What then?" I asked. "What do you think Lauriana Laurita most desires?" Cattita said mysteriously. I paused. So caught up had I been in my own desires, I suddenly realised I did not even know what she may want. "Love Cattita, surely she wants love?" "I can offer that, in abundance!" "Look around you Dweeb. Do you not think whoever gave Lauriana this castle has poured ample love and generosity upon her?" The castle was indeed most impressive with it's gardens of flowers and trees, statues and ornaments. "Yes." I answered. "You need to make her fall in love with you and want only you Dweeb," Cattita continued. "How?" I asked in a feeble and pathetic sort of way that I noticed made Cattita wince a little. "I mean," pulling myself together, "how might I make a beautiful lady who has more than many will ever approach having, desire a humble and wretched boy like me?" "Simple Dweeb. We need a plan." I listened closely. The plants who also had been listening all along, now started whispering about a plan. Part the 7 "The best plans," said Cattita, "require little or no thought at all." "What?" I replied, truly perplexed. We sat in the shade of some large shrubs, out of sight lest we be spotted by Guards or anyone else in the castle. "You are giving me riddles cat, when all I want is to love Laura Lauriana Laurita!" "Listen Dweeb. A patient hunter succeeds where a blatant hunter eats only seeds." "This is sheer inertia Cattita not patience!" I answered disparagingly. "Then hear this Dweeb. There is one thing you can do that is sure to win you the hand of the maiden you seek." "Yes?" my interest was suddenly awakened. "Lift the spell that has beset this castle!" "What?" I was amazed, "you mean wizardry most foul is at work in the house of..." "Yes." Cattita continued. "Some time past when Laurita was but a young girl she affronted a Pigeon Demon. The Demon placed a spell on her and all the people of the castle." "What sort of spell?" I asked, somewhat unnerved by this revelation of wizardry most foul. "They cannot use their heads Dweeb!" Cattita exclaimed. "No. You mean..." "Yes, they are thoughtless!" "Gadzooks.” I was truly shocked. “How can I combat this? I am but a poet, a painter and a...." "Troubadour, yes I know Dweeb.There is a way, you will have to destroy the source of the spell. Find the Goblin that lurks in this castle and destroy it!" "I have never seen a Goblin Cattita, let alone destroyed one. My mind truly reels, how can a simple mission of love become this complex?" I was dismayed at the enormity of this obstacle. "A Goblin is a small repulsive creature, a wizard of darkness and evil. He will be hiding somewhere in the castle continually adding to the spell that has cast itself like a spiders web over Laura Lauriana Laurita." "Where is the Goblin Cattita and how do we stop it?" "Come with me Dweeb." Cattita dashed off. I followed. Through the Herb Garden, past the Bamboo that grew thirty footsteps into the sky, until we reached a wooden shack. All the time I kept a wary eye about us lest we be spotted. "What is this place Cattita?" Cattita looked up at me with a canny cat-like gaze. "This Dweeb is where the Goblin lives." I felt somewhat afraid. It all began to seem too much, it must indeed be powerful magick I thought. It would explain why Laura Laurita threw me into the maze without wanting to even know who I was. Once again I seemed destined to face an impossible adversary in my quest. "Go on Dweeb. Go in!" Cattita said. Slowly I opened the door to the wooden shack. Goblin Most Foul The door creaked loudly as I slowly opened it, my stealthy entrance this was not. Cattita watched as I stepped inside, it turned out to be rather a huge building. Dark, dusty and rife with a foul stench the likes of which had ne'er passed my poetic nostrils before, I continued on and a chill swept over my skin like Zephyrs breath. I shivered and considered retreating. An evil Goblin? How my imagination did'st race, my heartbeat keeping good time with it. "Be brave Dweeb," I muttered to myself as I walked along a wall leading to stairs that descended to a basement. The room was filled with cluttersome objects, machines, books, crates and furniture. It was then that I heard laughter not too far away. A fiendish high pitched howl that did cause my throat to swell as though a cry of fear were bursting out. I stood motionless and did feel a swoon about my head. I could smell cooking, a burning of herbs and then heard bubbling as though some terrible boiling meal were being prepared. Very slowly I crept towards the top of the flight of stairs that led to the basement. Each footstep tortured me I was so afraid. All that kept me going was the burning desire to free Laura Lauriana Laurita from the curse of the pigeon demon, a wicked spell that had transformed her. It was then a hidden voice spoke out to me. "Hello," the voice said. I felt a wave of panic but the voice seemed friendly so I ventured to reply. "Hello… who are you?" From the shadows emerged an owl. "An owl," I exclaimed. "That indeed I am and what indeed are you?" the bird replied. "I am Pedruccio El Dweeb, painter, poet, troubadour, on a mission to find true love with Laura Lauriana Laurita." I said. "I know of her indeed I do as I know indeed of many things. But why have you come into this building? She is not here," the owl said. "Aye tis true but a powerful reason brings me here, for I must free her. She is held under the heinous spell of a Goblin most foul who know lurks in the basement beneath the room in which we stand." The owl listened and as I spoke opened it's eyes so wide I almost fell inside them, then closed them again and it seemed as if the sun had passed over the sky and set to bring nightfall in a second. "How can you stop a Goblin boy? They wield powerful magick and are both cunning and shrewd and very mean!" the owl said in a most serious tone. I stuttered, "I'm not sure, could you perhaps help me?" "I'm just a bird you fool!" "But a wise one yes?" "The wisest," the owl replied with a slightly smug air. I did not mind flattering the owl's ego in order to get help. "Then you know how?" I asked. "Yes I do," the owl replied calmly and sagaciously, quite befitting an owl. "How? How do I break the Goblins spell over Laura Lauriana Laurita?" The owl paused again. I was in torment over the stalling that was taking place in my mission. Eerie sounds and scents did continue to arise from the basement. There seemed to be much activity going on below and I was shaking with fear standing alone as I was in a dark dusty room with the owl. "Isn't it obvious?" queried the owl with a most bemused expression. "No," I replied, "I am no wizard and I certainly haven't fought a Foul Goblin before." "Kill it Pedruccio El Dweeb. You must kill the Goblin" the owl said in a cold, harsh, calculating tone. I was shocked. Firstly I had never killed a creature in my life. I was an artist and my hands were guided by purity, gentleness and sensitivity. Yet the one thing I desired more than life itself, Laura Lauriana Laurita, was being held from me by this Goblin. I had hoped there might be an easier way to stop the Goblin but knew now that this would be unlikely. Yet to kill? It was savage! "How?" I asked timidly. "With a knife? a stick? fire?" "No. There is only one way to kill a Goblin. You must show it a reflection of itself." "What?" "Yes. Show the Goblin what it is. They cannot face themselves! It will die!" "Yes. So all I need is a pool of water, or silver?" I looked around the room. Sure enough beside a suit of armour stood a shiny silver shield. "This should do. Thank you owl." I descended the stairs with the shield in my hand. Goblin Unbound How the stairs did creak as I now walked down into the basement. Candelight flickered in the basement and shadows danced. I clutched the shield or rather hid behind it. The basement was filled with a misty vapour and a putrid musky scent filled my nostrils. I looked around but could barely see a thing as the smell caused salty tears to fill my eyes. There from the mist emerged the Goblin, a hideous sight it stood about a foot tall, looked very old with deeply crenellated skin, it wore curious dark robes embedded with bright jewels. Although it looked straight at me, the Goblins eyes were shut!
The End
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